Absquatulate

I am a 12 year old boy

RunPee.com.  Insanely useful *and* one of the best logos/header graphics I've seen.  Be patient and watch it for a minute or so.

Oscars 2008: The Boredoming

Oh yes, it's time. To be continually updated until I give up.

• Helen Mirren, LOVE your dress! Love love love!
• Cameron Diaz? Wow, what has shee been up to lately!?
• Cate! What is up with that dress? And your arms? OH! You're pregnant! Now I got it.
• I think that's MCM behind Johnny Depp!!!!
• Jennifer Hudson: Just because you got it, don't mean you should flaunt it. Whoo.
• If Clive Owen and Russel Crowe had a love child it would be Javier Bardem.
• Kerri Russel looks better as she gets older.
• Owen Wilson! Wow. Good for him!
• Oh Phillipe, don't apologize for not speaking English! Indeed, I think he should do his speech in French.
• Supporting actress: Cate Cate Cate!!! Drat, but still yay for Tilda too! She is her own style. Period.
• I STILL don't believe in Hannah Montana.
• Do you feel like the Coen Bros. are only there because they have to be? And that's not a bad thing.
• We don't really CARE about the Oscars inner workings. Ugh.
• Is Enchanted the ONLY musical movie that came out this year?
• Leading Actress: I LOVE how excited Cate Blanchett is for people who win in her categories! I haven't seen La Vie En Rose, but I've heard it is fantastic. I love how excited she is!
• God! Jack Nicholson has had work done too right? Why is he SO creepy? I don't think he can be just a regular guy.
• Renee Zellweger looks consistently pinched. Like she has a lemon up her tuchus.
• HOLY sweet mice, the ice this year is unbelievable. It's about long strands of diamonds over simple dresses. Nicole looks great, and almost human, now that she's expecting.
• When one becomes over 75, you can totally wear a white scarf with your tux. And have the longest thank you speech of the night.
• Okay, Oscar dress designers, enough with the feathered boobs.
• YAY! I'm glad "Once" won for best song, up against Disney or whatever Enchanted was. AWW she didn't get to say anything? Lame. Of all people the orchestra should have given them just a little more time.
• OH, did Jon really have her come back out???!?!?!? GOOD for them, GOOD for her! I'm glad they did the right thing.
• The Oscar set design looks like those pillars/pistons in Portal (guess what I played ALL day today?).
• Boy, this show is a snooze.
• AAAAAH, HERE is the troops portion of the show. I think I'm done with the Oscars tonight. Boring boring boring.
• You know, I feel like that the Oscars are really for the people who make the quiet magic: documentary filmmakers, special effects artists, etc, who aren't rich and aren't famous but do what they love. Best actress, but if I could watch a whole night of people who really were happy to win, that would be great.
• Diablo Cody??? Her look absolutely matches her name. And WHOA what a tat there.
• I'm done. I can't even stay up for Best Picture I could care so little. AND, I hate that Robert Plant and Alison Krauss are schilling for JCPenny. SusanW. has got the rest of the night covered on Twitter I think. Goodnight and thank you to the Academy!
• Wait, you have to know this: "Heidi Klum, isn't that the prostitute?" "..... WHAT?" "That woman, in LA? With the famous clients?" "That's Heidi Fleiss you're thinking of." "Oh."

An Invite for Dinner

A fun game to play with your well-to-do friends on the third bottle of wine is the "What Famous Person Dead or Alive Would You Invite To Dinner" guessing game, wherein all the participants talk about what erudite dinner guests one would invite to talk to US, er, YOU, the layman. I could never really commit to anyone with any great conviction. There were the usual suspects such as Newton, Hitler, George Washington that would inevitably be brought up. My choices usually included a common medieval woman, Niels Bohr, and Abigail Adams. As for modern famous people... meh. For me they're all too recent to really want me to explore MORE about what things were 'really like' for the most part. It wasn't until tonight that I realized I was overlooking the most brilliant and obvious choice! Jon Stewart. Can you imagine a dinner with all those diners? What would one serve!?

State Of The Union

Since the Golden Globes were derailed by the writers strike, I thought I'd bring you a play by play of the SOTU address. For as long as I can take it. Before I want to hurl my machine at the tv. Who wants to play the newkular drinking game? The list to be updated through the speech:

• Ted Kennedy, you've had work done I bet.
• Hillary, looking good!
• Barak, lay off the pancake makeup. Yikes! Either that, or you have the most amazing skin ever.
• Excellent, Darth Vader has arrived
• Condi is looking a little stiff, yes? Like she spent the last week carrying bricks. Maybe she has, what's she been up to lately?
• I love how Hillary is looking just annoyed enough every time they pan to her. An excellent strategy. ... and Obama, looking pensive, as if he's actually considering what is being said. Hm, I see the weakness in Hillary's approach.
• Does anybody else find it funny that George the Second is talking about health care and economy?
• Let healthcare decisions be made between a patient and a doctor? DOES THAT INCLUDE WOMEN'S REPRODUCTIVE HEALTH, YOU GIT?
• No wonder this thing is going to take 45 minutes! When after every pause the audience stands and hoots it would take an hour to read a text message!
• Woah did he just say slow, stop and reverse greenhouse gas emissions? I guess so long as the US doesn't have to do anything...
• Kyoto, anyone?
• Trust the scientists? The engineers? Nancy Pelosi obviously knows something we don't as she's swallowing a big ol' smile about that initiative not getting funding...
• Oh God, medical researchers and moral boundaries. Ban the patenting of human life? Wonder how some of the drug companies feel about that...
• There's alot of talk of faith based organizations in this speech... Does that include JCCs? How about Muslim charitable foundations?
• I like how the SCOTUS isn't standing to applaud the talking points.
• Aaaaand here's the 9/11 section.
• Of course everyone stands when talking about the troops.
• I think Cheney has a hand up GWs rear, like a ventriloquist.
• I keep hearing this "hoo" or "aaah" when people clap. Is there a secret chant that members of Congress use at this event? Like, something the Freemasons wrote?
• Okay by this point, all I hear is Charlie Brown Teacher "Mwah mwah mwaaaahhhhh"s.
• Lots of talk of Iran, what about Saudi Arabia? Oh yeah, right.
• How can he even talk about newkular intentions with a straight face? Ah sweet Moses. Vital interests, there's the Saudi Arabia mention I was looking for.
• HAW, did Nancy Pelosi bring reading material?!? You know, a director should have told Cheney and Pelosi to keep their handouts in their laps, or with their aides.
• OOOooooo the Patriot Act! Not mentioned by name, and OMG, the time to act is NOW? Plenty of time to debate LATER? ARE YOU KIDDING? [insert big company here], here's your hall pass, go piss on the public.
• YAY! Let's talk about the black folks in Sudan.
• Wow, he knows the names of alot of countries. You'd think he'd studied a globe maybe.
• AIDS relief? I guess only if you don't talk about condoms, right? Or has that changed?
• And here's the vets benefits talking point brought to you by the guys who had "other priorities" than to serve their country.
• Oh, and here is where he demonstrates that he took 10th grade Social Studies. Thank Goodness, I now have SO MUCH MORE confidence in him.
• Trust in the people? So long as they agree with his initiatives and moral compass?
• Newkular tally: 4 newkulars! I know I missed a bunch because of all the "mwah mwah mwah"s.

Meh. How underwhelming. Although, no invented words, no major flubs of the presentation. How many Newkulars did I miss?

Le SIGH

You Are 20% Girly

Um... you're a guy, right? If not, you're the most boyish girl in the world. And for you, that's probably the ultimate compliment.

How Girly Are You?

I'm kind of irritated that one of the things that makes you 'more girly' is "you're not athletic". Why do I do these? They just make me irritated for no reason. WAIT, doesn't that count as girly!???

I Used To Live On The Moon

Ratatouille: Mirror of the soul?

The Amateur Gourmet recently posted an essay titled, "Ratatouille" & Jewish Assimilation (an essay, with spoilers). Jason Kottke, possibly influenced by Megnut, had an interesting take on the movie as well. I'm sure there are many others that I haven't come across. While some see the AG's interptretation far fetched and others find it dead on, I'm not terribly concerned with whether he is "right".

Interestingly, I find his take on the movie as further evidence that the story was successfully written. I've been thinking about the story quite a bit lately, how there are many things to see, learn, and hear and that one viewing isn't really enough. He sees it as an allegory for Jewish assimilation, which is to be expected perhaps because being Jewish is at the forefront of his mind. Jason, on the other hand, saw it as a commentary for bloggers and critics, which can be expected as blogging and food criticism is at the forefront of his wife's mind, and so surely has been brought up in their house. And to me, I saw the ending as a brush-off of Collette, a further minimizing of her important leap of faith and prior contributions to both Remy and Linguini's success in favor of a tidy ending for the movie. Why not show Collette as finally in charge of the kitchen, finally getting the respect she deserves? And that's probably because I've been thinking a lot about feminism lately.

The point I'm making is simply that there are many stories to be found in this movie and the fact that people find their own meaning suggests that the story was well written. All the opinions, takes, and lessons people glean from the movie are inevitably drawn from their own personal experiences. What you think about those opinions, however, is another matter entirely.

As an aside, AG asks:

(Is it a coincidence that the scurrying rats in "Ratatouille" look a lot like those in Hitler's propaganda films? And, for that matter, why does Django have a hooked nose?)

I'm guessing that perhaps Hitler's propaganda films looked like rats scurrying, rather than rats scurrying looking like Nazi propaganda. Chicken, egg and all that. Also, the fact that Remy's dad has a big hooked nose doesn't really hit me one way or another because I know lots of people who have big hooked noses who aren't necessarily Jewish, (yours truly included) and because as most people get older their noses get bigger, so to show 'age' between rats, a larger nose and a larger body size would also denote age.

No Good Answer, Really

Location: CVS, Northeast Massachusetts
Me: Oh gawd, Mary-Kate And Ashley Olsen.  They have body spray. Wierd.
Him: What?
Me: Look, body spray.  I wonder what it smells like...
Him: Like children.

(In truth, it smells like teeth-curling sugar.  Ugh.)

Not Graduated Yet

Hints that I may have overindulged this weekend:

• Frobnosticate » Chris and Leo at the Calvin.
• When it gets late, I will not be tired, and then will pay the price tomorrow.
• The thought of red meat or cream cheese turns my tummy a little.
• Craving a bowl of sashimi rice at the local favorite Japanese restaurant for lunch. (thanks Jim!)
• Nearly unbearable craving for lentils and carrots for dinner, fortified with chicken stock, seasonings, and a veggie burger.

Nuclear JVox

J is at it again with "XYLOV". This clip feels like it should be in Brazil: