State Of The Union

Since the Golden Globes were derailed by the writers strike, I thought I'd bring you a play by play of the SOTU address. For as long as I can take it. Before I want to hurl my machine at the tv. Who wants to play the newkular drinking game? The list to be updated through the speech:

• Ted Kennedy, you've had work done I bet.
• Hillary, looking good!
• Barak, lay off the pancake makeup. Yikes! Either that, or you have the most amazing skin ever.
• Excellent, Darth Vader has arrived
• Condi is looking a little stiff, yes? Like she spent the last week carrying bricks. Maybe she has, what's she been up to lately?
• I love how Hillary is looking just annoyed enough every time they pan to her. An excellent strategy. ... and Obama, looking pensive, as if he's actually considering what is being said. Hm, I see the weakness in Hillary's approach.
• Does anybody else find it funny that George the Second is talking about health care and economy?
• Let healthcare decisions be made between a patient and a doctor? DOES THAT INCLUDE WOMEN'S REPRODUCTIVE HEALTH, YOU GIT?
• No wonder this thing is going to take 45 minutes! When after every pause the audience stands and hoots it would take an hour to read a text message!
• Woah did he just say slow, stop and reverse greenhouse gas emissions? I guess so long as the US doesn't have to do anything...
• Kyoto, anyone?
• Trust the scientists? The engineers? Nancy Pelosi obviously knows something we don't as she's swallowing a big ol' smile about that initiative not getting funding...
• Oh God, medical researchers and moral boundaries. Ban the patenting of human life? Wonder how some of the drug companies feel about that...
• There's alot of talk of faith based organizations in this speech... Does that include JCCs? How about Muslim charitable foundations?
• I like how the SCOTUS isn't standing to applaud the talking points.
• Aaaaand here's the 9/11 section.
• Of course everyone stands when talking about the troops.
• I think Cheney has a hand up GWs rear, like a ventriloquist.
• I keep hearing this "hoo" or "aaah" when people clap. Is there a secret chant that members of Congress use at this event? Like, something the Freemasons wrote?
• Okay by this point, all I hear is Charlie Brown Teacher "Mwah mwah mwaaaahhhhh"s.
• Lots of talk of Iran, what about Saudi Arabia? Oh yeah, right.
• How can he even talk about newkular intentions with a straight face? Ah sweet Moses. Vital interests, there's the Saudi Arabia mention I was looking for.
• HAW, did Nancy Pelosi bring reading material?!? You know, a director should have told Cheney and Pelosi to keep their handouts in their laps, or with their aides.
• OOOooooo the Patriot Act! Not mentioned by name, and OMG, the time to act is NOW? Plenty of time to debate LATER? ARE YOU KIDDING? [insert big company here], here's your hall pass, go piss on the public.
• YAY! Let's talk about the black folks in Sudan.
• Wow, he knows the names of alot of countries. You'd think he'd studied a globe maybe.
• AIDS relief? I guess only if you don't talk about condoms, right? Or has that changed?
• And here's the vets benefits talking point brought to you by the guys who had "other priorities" than to serve their country.
• Oh, and here is where he demonstrates that he took 10th grade Social Studies. Thank Goodness, I now have SO MUCH MORE confidence in him.
• Trust in the people? So long as they agree with his initiatives and moral compass?
• Newkular tally: 4 newkulars! I know I missed a bunch because of all the "mwah mwah mwah"s.

Meh. How underwhelming. Although, no invented words, no major flubs of the presentation. How many Newkulars did I miss?

Comments

[uknowwho]

Well, aren't you more entertaining than a britney meltdown? Yes you are! I loved this. I am so copying this idea. Next time a bunch of rich people get together in a room to "hoo" and "aah" and "mwah mwah mwah", you can bet I'll be blogging too. Someone call E!, Joan Rivers has competition.

[Mike]

I love your state of the union comments! I couldn't stand watching it so I'm glad you gave such an entertaining recap. Hoo!