Absquatulate

Are you a Deaner who ordered the meat lovers pizza?

It's as I've always suspected. Pizza trends reflect our society as a whole. It's useless and silly stats like this that make me love this country.

What do other countries take out (or away for you folks over the pond) say about their culture? Make it up and post it in the comments.

There is little hope for me.

If the fact that I spent way too much time trying to convince a person I'd only just met to not compare Harry Potter to the LOTR movies and to give LOTR a chance, especially because they were Catholic isn't enough to convince you of my complete and utter geekitude, perhaps the fact that I seriously LOLed at the FOTR Drinking Game will.

An excerpt:

If it's Faramir [on screen looking all mopey and angst-ridden], and he's talking about showing his quality, say, "Yeah, baby, show that quality!"

Make up Bolognese Sauce

The theme these days is Food and Drink because most of us are probably home, entertaining, and looking for something new to do in the kitchen. Here's a recipe that I made up one night while making sauce but looking for a good use for some leftover cream I had in the fridge. One quick trip to the store after work and one hour later, I whipped up this delicious fake bolognese sauce.

I say fake because it's not true, simmered on the stove for 8 hours bolognese, so the flavors might not satisfy some purists. To them I say, BAH. Give it a shot; you might be plesantly suprised!

Tools:

• A heavy ~6 qt. saucepan
• Wooden spoon. What, you don't HAVE a wooden spoon??? Go out and get one now. Go on... we'll wait for you.
• Cheese grater. Please, keep the pre-grated Kraft junk in the supermarket. Hard block cheeses such as Romano or Parmesean are worth the investment and last a few months wrapped well in the fridge.
• A good sharp knife
• A good cutting board

Ingredients:

• 0.5 lbs of ground pork sausage meat, either mild or spicy
• 0.5 lbs of grount beef (lean is okay, the sausage will give it flavor)
• 1 medium onion, finely diced
• 1 medium carrot, finely diced
• 1 stalk of celery, finely diced
• 2 cloves of garlic, minced
• about 1 cup plus a little more of cream, or Half'n Half, or whole milk. Don't even bother making this with 2%, 1%, or skim.
• About 2 tbls. olive oil
• 1 28 oz. can of tomato puree. You can also throw in fresh tomatoes, or canned plum tomatoes with some juice in any combination you wish.
• Basil, oregano, parsley, salt, pepper, and sugar, to taste.
• Freshly grated Romano or Parmesean cheese for garnish

Directions:

1. Heat in a heavy saucepan about 3 tbl. of olive oil over medium heat.
2. Add in carrot, onion, celery, and garlic
3. Sweat the vegetables until soft, about 15 minutes or so. I find that when I don't smell the carrot anymore, but rather a sweet amalgamation of the three vegetables it's time to continue.
4. Turn heat up to medium-high. Add ground beef and pork and brown until no longer pink. Break up any large chunks with a wooden spoon.
5. Turn heat off. Stir in cream, then put heat back on low. Let the mixture just start to simmer.
6. Add tomato sauce and spices to taste. If using fresh herbs, wait until about 10 minutes before serving to stir in the chopped herbs.
7. Let simmer on low for at least 30 minutes for the flavors to meld. Don't let it come to a full boil, the meat will get tough.
8. In the meantime, boil pasta.
9. Drain pasta, thin sauce if necessary with a little pasta water and correct the seasoning, plate, top with freshly grated Romano cheese and enjoy!

Makes enough for at least four. Freezes pretty well, and it better the next day. So since it's a Sunday, take a little time and give this a shot.

Meatless Swedish Meatballs

Anna has what looks to be a kickass recipe for vegetarian swedish meatballs that I simply must give a try sometime. Heck, maybe you should give them a try too!

Dragon's Breath Shrimp

• Skewers. If wooden, soak for 15 minutes beforehand.
• Raw shrimp peeled and deveined, as much as you need to serve the number of people you have. I made about 0.75 lb of 21-30 sized shrimp for me and piggy for a main course.
• Whole cloves of pickled garlic, about 10.
• One clove of fresh garlic, minced.
• Juice of half a lemon.
• About 2tsp. of olive oil.
• Fresh ground pepper, to taste.

Directions:

1. Get grill started. You want the heat to be medium high to high, the shrimp will cook quickly. You should be able to hold your hand about 4" above the grill for about 4 seconds.
2. Mix lemon juice, minced garlic, pepper and olive oil in shallow dish.
3. Add shrimp, set aside to marinate for a little while (at least 10 minutes.)
4. When you're ready to cook, skewer shrimp alternating with garlic cloves.
5. Place on grill for about 2 minutes, then turn for another two minutes. Shrimp should be just starting to char when you take them off the coals. They'll finish cooking on the plate if they're still a little translucent.
6. Serve immediately with black bean salad, or chill and serve later. Don't be afraid of the pickled garlic; the grilling caramelized it somewhat. If you use fresh garlic, I am NOT responsible for how this dish and your breath turns out.
7. Ingest large quantities of mint, because sistah, you're gonna need it.

Happy Holidays

Izzle Pfaff for Christmas

Skot at Izzle Pfaff has perfectly summarized the gift giving trauma we put ourselves through each and every year. I never really had much gift giving anxiety until friends of ours unexpectedly showered us with a gift, as we handed over their pretty lame Christmas card. Now it's hours of hunting for t h a t p e r f e c t g i f t that will, in their eyes, make you just the awesomest friend EVAR.

Anywhoo, go read why magnets may be in your near future.

Cacciucco Alla Livornese

This would be a good time to revisit the "Fish Stew" recipe I discovered a while ago. Perfect for cold Christmas Eve dinners. Enjoy!

Kickin' Black Bean Salad

Serves lots (easily 6 people)

• Two cans of black beans, rinsed and drained well (or about five cups of prepared black beans)
• One can of corn (or about three cobs of fresh corn off the cob, preferably roasted.)
• One small sweet onion, minced.
• One small red pepper, chopped finely.
• One jalapeno, minced (can be raw or fire roasted)
• Juice of one fresh lime
• Optional: 1 tsp. of olive or other neutral oil
• A glug or three of white vinegar (or cider vinegar). I'm estimating, but possibly around 1/4 or 1/3 a cup.
• One whole bunch of cilantro, minced. If no cilantro, substitute fresh parsley. I think it comes out to about 1/3 cup minced.
• Tabasco sauce, to taste
• Pinch of salt
• Fresh ground pepper to taste.

Directions:

1. Rinse beans in colander. Set aside to drain well.
2. If using canned corn, drain corn well, then toss into heated skillet. "Roast" corn for about 5 minutes or so, until fragrant but before it starts to burn. Turn off heat and allow to cool somewhat.
3. Toss everything together except the last three ingredients. Taste, and season to your liking with Tabasco, salt, and pepper.
4. Refrigerate for at least a few hours.
5. Serve with Dragon's Breath Shrimp, grilled chicken, Steak Fajitas or corn chips.

Winter happiness is...

... warm apple pie a la mode, caramel sauce drizzled over everything, some good coffee, even better company, and the extended version of The Two Towers. Thanks muchly to Pig for helping me get everything ready and to Chad for being a gracious guest. (AFAIK, he is available, ladies! ;^)

Beauty Tip:

During snowfall, wear waterproof mascara.

George Bailey 5K

Rochester is one of those cities that, well, just has a weird sense of place. Not as weird as San Francisco; we're more SanFran Lite. So things like this little event just tickle my fancy. The George Bailey 5k is a, well, it's not really a race, and it's not even 5k, it's more of just an fun goofy excuse for folks to dress up like George Bailey and recreate his famous "Merry Christmas" run through Bedford Falls and raise some money for charitable organizations. It runs through our neighborhood and this year I think I'll convince Piggy to at least go out and cheer them on, if not actually participate. If it's not snowy, I'll totally dress like Mary and run in heels!

Update: I just found this quicktime movie of a newscast of an earlier GB5K. You know it's good TV when the reporter can barely keep a straight face.

I <3 Wegmans

If Wegmans the grocery store were a person, I'd totally propose to him*.

I'm eating a teriyaki chicken wrap, stuffed with grilled chicken, teriyaki sauce, sprouts, mushrooms, cabbage, and lots of fresh ginger, with a side of jicima citrus salad with cliantro and red onion, and a pickle (I declined the potato chips) and let me tell you, it's really, really freakin' good.

*That does not mean I'd propose to him.

I told you so.

Like I said, things will be a little strange here for a few days. Bear with me as I try to figure out the DNS issues. Thanks.

A note for the insecure bartender/kitchen helper at the Christmas party:

1. When talking to people you don't know, don't stand four inches from their face.
2. Do not pinch the ass of any of the guests
3. Do not pinch the ass of the guy paying you to replenish hors d'ouvures
4. Do not insult the hostess
5. You are not the center of the universe, contrary to what you might think.
6. Do not lecture me on whether it is acceptable to say "Thank you very much" or just "thank you"
7. Spare yourself some serious embarassment and do not insert yourself into conversations you are not a part of and know nothing about. I'm sorry, but you're there to freshen the crudite, NOT demand apologies for imagined transgressions from guests. And no, we will NOT say, "I'm sorry Stevie."
8. Do not hit the dog of your employer.
9. Do not lock yourself in the bathroom for an hour.
10. Try to leave gracefully. A good way to NOT do that is to sashay into the living room, sing Barbra Striesand to the dog, and then loudly pass judgement on every person in the room, in turn.
11. Contrary to popular belief, I am not a superstar, even though you seem to think that arriving to the party a little late makes me one. But keep it up and I'll make you think I am by planting my superstar foot up your ass.
12. Get your fucking hand off my husband's shoulder.
13. Do not kiss the host. Even if it's just on the neck.
14. This is not a wrap party for a drag show. Most partires aren't, all indictaions to the contrary.
15. Keep your shirt on.
16. When the hostess gives you your bag and coat, don't be indignant at the 'rude' sendoff.
17. Try not to insult your hosts on the lousy tip before you leave. But if you do, take a good hard look in the mirror, because there's your answer bucko.

And the Chord is Cut

Well, despite the fact that I'm still not quite up to full capacity here, I've decided to cut the virtual umbilical chord with Fast Net and start using TypePad full time. I was a little sad to close down CuteFTP, knowing that I wouldn't be needing it anymore to update my blog. I love FTP, although I guess I'll get over it, much like I got over not using command lines to create new directories and set permissions (sniff, I miss you, Unix.)

It feels weird, but my bank account will thank me in the end. So, if you are so inclined, raise a glass to new beginnings here at Absquatulate. In a few days www.absquatulate.com will redirect here. Salut!

Yes Naava, you are in my blog!

Everyone, give Naava a round of applause. My very first guest blogger on my site. I <3 you, Naava!

i'm confused. Am I actually typing in your blog? I feel like I just snuck into your house and went through your underwear drawer. Oh no. you're coming - I'm out!

Aren't you glad you're a girl?

When I see things like this article in the D&C about the big wedding on ABC it makes me want to vomit.

Mostly because someone at the D&C thought it would be a good article. Mostly because it really creeps me out, all those women sitting around weiring their veils and cutting a "Ryan and Trista" cake. Mostly because although if most of my female friends were in town, we would SO be doing this, but with the ugliest, cattiest remarks you could imagine. And no cake. And with martinis. Lots of them.

Edit: I must recommend that you go right now and read (or at least skim) the 11 page synopsis of the bachelor/ette party on Television Without Pity because is really, really fucking hilarious. Courtesty of Gothamist.

Big Changes

I've decided to switch to TypePad for hosting and blogging services. So, for the next few days things might be a little wonky. I hope you'll bear with me while I work on getting the new site up and migrating over all my archives.

Privacy for the rest of us

On the tip of K-Roz I went to a Proctor and Gamble site that allows you to get a free sample of Olay's new face moisturizer. I'm one of those people who always read the privacy policies because I like to see what they'll be doing with my information, and more often than not, tucked way down on the seventh page and nestled in with other grossly confusing lawyer speak is a sentance that usually states that they have the right to do whatever the hell they want with your information whether you want them to or not. I was suprirsed to find a privacly policy on their site that was written in plain English rather than in Lawyerese *and* that was relatively consumer friendly. They plainly spell out what they do with your information, where it is stored, and how you can opt out of any further contact from P&G. Holy smokes! Another astonished hurrah from me.

Customer Service

Some folks may remember a previous entry about customer service, or rather, the lack thereof at a local LinensNThings. Well so you don't think me a whiny complaining curmudgeon I'd like to relate two great experiences I've had with customer service recently.

1) A few weeks ago I ordered a few items from LandsEnd.com but had to cash in a gift certificate that was issued four years earlier. I was told by the person who gave it to me that all I had to do was call up customer service and ask them to reactivate it. "Yeah, sure" was my immediate thought. Ugh, what a pain. So I called their 800 number ready with my dialing wand to punch the appropriate menu numbers when to my surprise I got a REAL LIVE PERSON on the first ring. Holy COW! I asked them if they could reactivate this certificate. They sure could, and did so in less than 10 seconds. Fabulous! So it's a few weeks later, I've already received my order. I get a catalog at my place of work because that's where I had the package sent to. I'd rather not get commercial catalogs from personal orders at work so I call them back. Again, a real live person, and all it took was giving them the code off the back of the catalog and blammo, I'm off the mailing list. I don't like everything in the Land's End line (too matronly for my taste) but I will say that their customer service is *top* notch.

2) As mentioned below I've been fooling around with Type Pad. I signed up for a free trial and have had several questions regarding their service. All of them were answered quickly and efficiently by a woman named Brenna. My last question I thought for sure was going to be the monkey wrench in the system: A friend gave me a coupon code for Type Pad but I'd already signed up with them. Would they apply the coupon retroactively? You bet they did, and all within minutes of posting my original question. WOW! People who get customer service, I can't believe it!

So there you have it. Two Absquatulate thumbs up for Type Pad and LandsEnd.com.