A note for the insecure bartender/kitchen helper at the Christmas party:

1. When talking to people you don't know, don't stand four inches from their face.
2. Do not pinch the ass of any of the guests
3. Do not pinch the ass of the guy paying you to replenish hors d'ouvures
4. Do not insult the hostess
5. You are not the center of the universe, contrary to what you might think.
6. Do not lecture me on whether it is acceptable to say "Thank you very much" or just "thank you"
7. Spare yourself some serious embarassment and do not insert yourself into conversations you are not a part of and know nothing about. I'm sorry, but you're there to freshen the crudite, NOT demand apologies for imagined transgressions from guests. And no, we will NOT say, "I'm sorry Stevie."
8. Do not hit the dog of your employer.
9. Do not lock yourself in the bathroom for an hour.
10. Try to leave gracefully. A good way to NOT do that is to sashay into the living room, sing Barbra Striesand to the dog, and then loudly pass judgement on every person in the room, in turn.
11. Contrary to popular belief, I am not a superstar, even though you seem to think that arriving to the party a little late makes me one. But keep it up and I'll make you think I am by planting my superstar foot up your ass.
12. Get your fucking hand off my husband's shoulder.
13. Do not kiss the host. Even if it's just on the neck.
14. This is not a wrap party for a drag show. Most partires aren't, all indictaions to the contrary.
15. Keep your shirt on.
16. When the hostess gives you your bag and coat, don't be indignant at the 'rude' sendoff.
17. Try not to insult your hosts on the lousy tip before you leave. But if you do, take a good hard look in the mirror, because there's your answer bucko.

Comments

[Corey Tamas]

"Do not kiss the host. Even if it's just on the neck."

What the.. ?

[One]

I'm telling you man, it was a scene to behold.