Absquatulate

Vigilante Justice, Catholic Style

According to CNN, a group of girls pummelled a man who'd repeatedly exposed himself to them while they were outside of their school. Neighbors, along with the girls, chased him down, tackled him, and a group of 20 Catholic school girls kicked and punched him. Now, we live in a civilized society MOST of the time, and so I try to side with civility over chaos. However in this instance I can't help but smile deeply at the thought of this 25 year old guy getting this tar beat out of him by a bunch of school girls. Yes he's probably got some serious psychological issues that need treatment, but come on folks. Sometimes you have to take off the kid gloves and administer good old fashioned ass whuppin's. That is precicely why I will always be Neutral Good, rather than Lawful Good.
/geek

Help Me Bubby!

It's legit. It's funny. It's Bubby.

Someone who gets it

Yes.

Run, don't walk, and click on that link. This article perfectly sums up why the Democrats have nine people running for president, and the Republicans have one in the Oval Office.

Footloose

At lunch I received the kind of email today that only comes once in a blue moon. It was so good, that it warranted a response here on this fine blog rather than just a reply. Information such as this should be archived forever in the Wayback machine, available to those students of 80s kitsch, Halloween history, or horror movies. The email reads, "OK so here's where i come to MY personal stylist. for Halloween i want to be an 80's aerobic instructor.how can i do this o great one? (i'm forgoing the princess dress this year!!! ahhh!!!)"

There are many sources for students of 80s dance glam on the magic of the intarweb but really, two jump immediately to mind. So let us consult with the great Internet Oracle: Jane Fonda
Flashdance Those two searches will provide you with a great cornerstone for developing YOUR 80s dance instructor look. Yes, Jane Fonda was more aerobics and less dancing, but she's the queen (heh) of legwarmers. Here's what you need:

• Legwarmers. Probably the single most important 80s accessory to possess.
• matching sweatband and wrist bands.
• leotard
• tights in contrasting color
• ballet slippers or heeled shoes, your call really
• jelly bracelets optional
• big round hoop earrings
• sweatshirt, all cuffs and crew neck cut off, so that it can be pulled down over one shoulder
• a belt, for said sweatshirt. Preferably wide and pastel leather, buckled loosely around hips
• Dippy Do
• mousse
• AquaNet, accept NO substitutions
• a round brush
• curling iron and blow dryer
• Tab (on a side note, if they still made bottles like this I'd buy a case)

Now to get ready the first think you must do is set the mood. I would recommend putting on some goods 80s music to help transport you back to that magical, blissful decade. Good choices include Whitney Houston, early Janet, or a nice compilation.

If you're gonna, wash your hair. You can style your hair dry too. Get dressed. And now, the ritual that is... 80s hair.

1. if your hair is wet, put in a liberal amount of mousse. Flip your head upside down, and blow dry spraying with hairspray every once in a while. The goal is voluminous hair. Big is good flat is bad. Be sure not to pass out if your hair is particularly thick and you have to keep your head flipped for a while. Yes, put down that rum and TaB for now.
2. Flip your head up. Tease with the brush just a little around the ends and hairspray.
3. Take the sides of your hair near your ears. Are you ready for a little feathering!? Despite the fact that most women these days don't have feathered hair, you can still get modest 'wings'. First, apply some mousse
4. Take the round brush, and brush just a short section of the hair so that the brush "holds" it in place. take a blowdryer and on high heat, dry while holding the brush in place. Spray with hairspray, then blow dry again. It may take a few tries to get this down, but you'll get it. It'll take ALOT of hairspray.
5. Repeat on other side of head.
6. For the top, you have plenty of options. The easiest is to repeat the technique with the sides of the head on top, taking the brush, straightening a bit of the hair with the brush curling the hair under, hairspray, then blow dry. Repeat. You will get that cool voluminous flip eventually. Or, you can take a curling iron and try to get that lift and curl under.
7. GINGERLY place the sweatband on your head, under the hair, so that your hair falls over the headband. Or, you can be a little more Madonna and put the headband behind the flip. You've got options, baby.
8. Apply more makeup than you think you need. Frosty pink lipstick is good. So is blue eye shadow and LOTS of mascara.
9. Earrings.

You'll be so hot not even Patrick Swayze in his hey day could have resisted you. Go get 'em tiger!

2 Years

Happy second anniversary, Piglet.

Courtesy of BirdBun Theatre.

Happy Birthday Piglet

In honor of his 30th birthday, I present to you 30 Reasons Why I Love Piglet:

1. Because he calls me babycakes
2. Because he'll make the bed and lay out my pajamas on top of the comforter as if I'm laying there and wryly note that there is nothing on his side of the bed.
3. Because when I make a blatant request that he cook dinner on his day off from work, he *does* and with flair.
4. Because he gets very excited about art
5. Because when I feel down or depressed or ugly or unhappy he always, ALWAYS has a big hug and a smile and says, "You are NOT."
6. Because he likes to spend quality petting time with Guenivere
7. Because he distrusts Bacchus
8. Because he asks for things like law books for his birthday
9. Because he doesn't get mad at me when I say turn left when I really meant right
10. Because he really is a neat person at heart, and I thwart him at every turn with my messiness, and yet he still doesn't get mad.
11. Because he's managed to keep his NASCAR fondness to a minimum ;^)
12. Because he looks incredibly sexy with a shaved head.
13. Because he smells really good fresh out of bed.
14. Because he loves coffee as much as I do
15. ... and wine
16. ... and good food
17. ... and doing good in the world
18. Because he has a wicked smile
19. Because he still draws his little cartoon piglets that I just adore
20. Because he commiserates with me when I'm sick and takes wonderful care of me
21. Because he likes my family
22. Because he likes his family
23. Because he's one seriously funny motherfucker, although you may not know it the first time you chat with him
24. Because he really enjoys taking things apart to fix them, like the washing machine
25. Because he'll clean the attic, or basement without reason
26. Because his face lights up whenever I come downstairs dressed up for work
27. Because he spends the nights I might be away on a business trip playing video games into the wee hours of the morning
28. Because he likes my cooking
29. Because he will stiffle his repulsion at shopping twice a year to go out with me to the mall
30. Because he loves me.

Fake Friday Five

DS and I sent each other fake friday five questions. He's already answered his softball questions that I lobbed at him. Here are my answers to knuckleballs:
Q: You've got a limitless amount of money. You've got an important business event to go to. You have to wear something to it, but you can afford to get anything you want and enough time to get it. What do you wear?
A: Well since I have so much money, I'd wear whatever my personal stylist recommends because s/he would know me better than I know me. And it would all be hand crafted by the finest tailors and cobblers in Italy and they would be paid handsomely for their unique efforts. Preferably it will harken back (but not direcly copy) to the days of Katharine Hepburn, with a modern twist.

Q:What is God?
A: This question is wholly unfair. I mean, I ask him what his favorite candy bar is, and he comes back with THIS. What is God? My answer is:  

QWhich is your favorite season of the year and why?
Still to this day it's fall in the NorthEast. I love the cool crisp weather. I love feeling the autumn wind whip through my hair. I always feel more aware during the fall, as compared with the heat induced coma of summer and the relative dreariness of winter (in Rochester, at least.) I love wearing sweaters and jeans and hiking boots. I love gathering with friends around a fire sipping hot mulled cider and cocoa. I am also blush morbid every once in a while, and there is something I like about the cycle coming to an end and that process of sleep in order to renew. I also find the season to be a cold reminder that we aren't that far removed from less advanced times, where people struggled to survive harsh winters with naught but their wits. It keeps me in touch with my mortality, in a good way.

Q: What song (or songs, if you can't settle on one) should be played at your funeral?
A: All of Vivaldi's "The Four Seasons".

Q:Name the top ten things you want most in your life (yes... ten). We're talking about your life here, so things like world peace and an end to famine aren't really applicable.
A: In no particular order

• A happy family.
• Eventually, relatively well behaved kids who push their limits but not to the point of harm to themselves or others.
• Our own modest house
• With lots of outdoor space nearby
• And near a major body of water so that I can take my
• Sailboat out on occasion.
• To do good works for others by teaching them things I'm passionate about, such as sailing, computers, etc.
• A healthy family
• Humbleness.
• A close knit circle of friends to grow old with.

My adoring fans

Back. Some folks were wondering where we were, and well, I've decided to be a little quiet about where we go and when, just in case. And a good thing too, since the back door was unlocked when we got home. I blame Gwen, she's always looking for a way outside.

Our travels took us far across New England. Stops included Amherst, MA, Portsmouth, NH, Newburyport, Salem,. and Cambridge all of MA, then Bennington, Manchester, and Arlington, VT, before we turned tail and headed home. We stayed with friends and we can't thank all of you enough for your hospitality.

Danken:

• To TomatoMan for our first night's accommodations. He's a great trail guide and knows his whatnots about gingerbread pancakes (mmmm). I wish we could have stayed there a little longer.
• To Nance, Dave, and Kylie, for the second nights accommodations and for the tour of Portsmouth, N.H. and great Guinness. A shout out to Kylie who loves maps as much as I do.
• To the random but not stray black lab who bounded onto the beach at Plum Island to play with us. Which we did. We tried to find his owners but the locals claimed that he was 'a regular' and is allowed to just wander around. After cringing while he walked in the middle of the road directly in front of several SUVs and Volvos from NY we lead him back to the beach, where he found several other dogs to play with. Now I really want a dog. Godspeed Blackie!
• To the Black Cow Restaurant in Newburyport for reasonably priced and fantastic haddock.
• To Naava for talking us into Somerville from a completely different route than we were used to and for letting us try out her brand new sofa bed.
• To the art director or stylist or whatever of Scotland, Pa for capturing the condensed essence of the 70s.
• To the gas station attendant who finally got us onto Route 2 out of Boston.
• To the Alexandra B&B for a fireplace and a tiny little whirlpool tub in our room. GiddyUp. And for great French toast the next morning.

Nien Danken:

• To the building on UMASS for being so damned freakin' HOT.
• To the UMass campus for being so ugly.
• To that big rock at the end of Tomato Man's driveway which was low enough to the ground to scrape our bumper. Bad rock, BAD.
• To the first lady who tried to give us directions to Route 2 in Cambridge.
• Hell, to the Mass DOT. PUT UP SOME FREAKIN' SIGNS ALREADY.
• To the Black Cow Restaurant, for overpriced wine, dessert, and coffee. Seriously.
• To the Dunkin' Donuts in Cambridge for the worst coffee EVAR poured into a Dunkin' Donuts cup.
• To us, for not being hungry enough to eat that delicious tart that Naava bought.
• To the Peele Gallery in Dunby, VT for listing their hours as open every day of the week, when in fact, they are NOT OPEN TUESDAYS. How do we know? It says so on the door. Not on the sign on the road, not on the brochure, but on the door. Which faces away from the road. Idjits.

A Phatty McPhat Phat Congrats to Kelly and Rozzie for the birth of their son Cole. Welcome to the world, Cole!

Good Vibes

Okay, internet break over.

So, today DogStar gives me a big warm fuzzy shoutout on this blog today. And man, can I just tell you, I SO TOTALLY CRIED when I watched Beaches in 8th grade.

Can anybody recommend a good spam blocker that resides on your machine (rather than your mail server, for example?) that is easy to set up, preferably free, and effective? I am very, very tired of deleting 400 spam messages every few days. Also my absquatu email is fux0red, so until I can get it fixed, please email me at kristina[underscore]curro[at]yahoo. Thanks.

Nestled inbetween Viagra offers, illicit sex, lonely housewives, and special offers there was an email from a very old and dear friend, Gandu. And he wrote a lovely email which really made me smile and more or less made my day. I won't go into the details, but this is for him: Thank you so much for that letter. It truly meant the world to me because I wasn't quite sure what was going on when we last parted. I thought to myself, "Well, that's the last time I'll ever see him." I really do appreciate your thoughts and sentiments. Email forthcoming, but I hope you are doing well. Thank you.

Oh, and BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

"This isn't the blog you are looking for..."

So things are going to get quiet around here again for a few days. I apologize folks, but it's unavoidable when you're a popular internet personality such as myself. So I'll post a few more tidbits and then be quiet for a few days. Look for me in the middle of next week. *kiss kiss*

I am SO going to hell

I have been reading too much Dooce because apparently I've got a meanstreak going.

Ladies and gentlemen, furbabies of all ages, I present to you the Meditative Cat. What follows is a notable highlight:

Our sweet Monday passed away, over the Rainbow Bridge and into the Summerlands, on December 28, 2001 and on May 11, 2002 we lost our dear Princess Honeybear. I've built two memorial pages, both to honor their memory and to help others who have lost furbabies of their own. Click on the beating heart to visit the memorial pages or just continue down this page to turn back the clock and have some fun with Monday and Honeybear and their family and friends in happier times.

Furbabies. She refers to her cats as Furbabies, people. I have two cats, and you know what, THEY'RE CATS, NOT BABIES WITH FUR.

I think I need a vacation from the web for a while.

This Time, For Real

Okay, so I finally got around to making that fish stew I was talking about earlier. The reports are in:
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!

It is simply wonderful, and great for those days where the temperature is 20 degrees below normal. It's hearty, quick, but alas, not inexpensive, since it calls for five different kinds of fish. Well, if you live in a costal town, *maybe* then it would be more reasonable. But when you're inland and the seafood in your town is trucked in overnight, you know you're paying more anyhow. If you live in an area that does not have TOP NOTCH seafood, don't bother with this recipe. I'll include my comments, marked in italics. This recipe was features on Ciao Italia on PBS.

CACCIUCCO ALLA LIVORNESE :: Classic Fish Stew from Livorno
Makes about 2 qts.

This dish originated with fishermen in Livorno; they sold the best of their catch and used what was left over and unwanted at day's end to make fish stew. A variety of fish went into the pot including squid, monkfish and cod. Tradition dictates that at least 5 different types of fish be used, one for each of the "c"s in the word cacciucco, which means mixture. In this preparation start by adding he fish that takes the longest to cook. Make sure all the fish is cut the same size to keep down cooking time. This dish from start to finish should take about 25 minutes and is even better the next day. Crackling, crusty bread and a crisp salad make the meal both wholesome and complete. This stew is usually cooked in an earthenware pot atop the stove. Use your heaviest pot.

• 1 large onion, peeled and coarsely chopped
• 3 cloves garlic, peeled
• 1/4 cup parsley leaves
• 8 basil leaves You heard the lady. FRESH herbs. Dried will simply not cut it.
• 1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil Use the best stuff you got. It makes a difference
• 1/2 teaspoon hot red pepper flakes
• 2/3 cup dry white wine
• 2 cups peeled and diced plum tomatoes I used canned tomatoes and that worked just fine.
• 1 cup clam juice, fish bouillon or water
• 1/2 teaspoon fine sea salt or more to taste I used kosher salt and that worked just fine for me.
• 1/2 pound cleaned squid, cut into 1-inch rings I looked everywhere for calamari with no luck which was quite suprising. So I relied on tinned octopus and that worked okay so long as you rinse it well first. I used only one 4 oz. tin and went a little heavier on the shrimp.
• 1/2 pound swordfish, skinned and cut into 1-inch chunks
• 1/2 pound medium shrimp (about 13) shelled or bite-size pieces of cod or other firm fish
• 1/4 pound sea scallops
• 1/4 pound monk fish Again, couldn't find any. So I used tilapia and that worked just fine too.
• 2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
• 8 toasted bread slices Get a nice good hearty rustic Tuscan bread, and brown them in a pan with really good olive oil.

1. In a food processor or by hand, mince the onion, garlic, parsley and basil together. Heat the oil in a heavy-duty pot and stir in the minced onion mixture. Cook over low heat until the ingredients soften, then stir in the pepper flakes and cook 1 minute longer.
2. Raise the heat to high, pour in the wine and allow most of it to evaporate. Lower heat and stir in the tomatoes, clam juice and salt. When bubbles just begin to appear on the sides of the pot, begin adding the fish pieces in the order given, allowing the squid to cook for 5 minutes before adding the swordfish. Cook just until the fish turns opaque or whitish looking and flakes easily with a fork and the shrimp have turned pink. Stir in the lemon juice and correct the salt, if necessary. Definately correct the salt. It really brings out the flavor of the stew. I added about one tablespoon of kosher salt to bring it to that point. Use your discretion, naturally.
3. Ladle the soup over the toasted bread slices and serve piping hot. I'd also recommend garnishing with a wedge of lemon.

This would make a great early lent stew or a Christmas Eve stew, if you're Italian and into that kind of thing. It is even better the next day. Do yourself the favor and get a good bottle of dry white wine for the cooking and the sipping.

An afternoon conversation with DogStar

I'm not saying this is my proudest conversation, but it's still cracking me up. In case you didn't know, I'm absquatulate.

DogStar: You make me laugh :)

absquatulate: and you me.
that's why we're friends. Here, want a bit of candy? we share, because we're friends.

DogStar: Hahaha... where's that from? I almost remember :)

absquatulate: um..... my brainpan? I just made it up. :^)

DogStar: Ah... for some reason I almost remember hearing that, or maybe it's just that you're so tapped into my psyche that your jokes are accurate enough to feel like they're already in my subconscious

DogStar: Or maybe I need some coffee

absquatulate: I'm thinking the latter.
No coffee for me today; tea instead. good, but OH MAN am I jonesing for a good Mocha.

DogStar: I got myself a 1 L pepsi because I got me some WRITING to do this afternoon

DogStar: (notice how I'm leaping right to it?)

absquatulate: 1L of pepsi for a whole afternoon? that's alot of pepsi!

DogStar: Yeah. It's like fuel when I'm lacking inspiration.

absquatulate: I feel the same way about coffee. maybe that's why I'm jonesing for a hot, sweet, creamy cup of caffeine.

DogStar: Stop it. You're seriously going to get me aroused that way.

absquatulate: I've rewritten this message thrice now, and I'm just going to stop right here. I don't want to get into trouble. :^D

DogStar: Haha... your horrible jokes won't get you into trouble, don't worry :)

absquatulate: hahahaha *whew* good to know I'm not nearly as witty as I think I am.

DogStar: Yeah! Dodged THAT bullet, huh?

absquatulate: I'm a sharpshooter, you ain't gonna be dodging many of my bullets. ;^)
aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh anywhoo. guess I should get back to work eh?
(coffeeeee.......coffeeeeeeeeee............... braaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiinnnnssssssssssssss)

DogStar: Don't interrupt me while I'm busy licking the inside of my coffee cup

absquatulate: I love America:
Last year, fried Twinkies were a huge hit, and this year, the new food darling could be fried onion on a stick.
Fried. Onion. On a Stick.
*single tear falls from one eye*

absquatulate: btw, that's hot.

DogStar: Hahahaha

absquatulate: ccccoofffffffffffffffffffffffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
#$%*#&(@!
must.... resist...

DogStar: Why resist? Worried about addiction?

absquatulate: wha.... what makes you say that?
*chewing on used coffee filter*

DogStar: Oh. Nothing.

absquatulate: you're no better, mr. i'mlickingtheinsideofacoffeecup

DogStar: Actually I'm far worse... because I only drink decaf.

DogStar: How pathetic is that?

absquatulate: very

DogStar: I'm addicted to the fat of the cream and the sugar.

absquatulate: yeah, I know what you mean. that first... creamy... sweet sip....

DogStar: I do believe you're trying to seduce me.

absquatulate: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm look at that coffee.......
SWIRL.

DogStar: (drool running down chin)

absquatulate: hahahaha.
haha.
*ahem*
ha.
er, so anyway. what were you doing on Baton Rouge, LA?

DogStar: I dunno. On a different topic: Why didn't you tell me they made a fully articulated Kris Boyer doll?

absquatulate: how long have you been waiting to use that? :^D

absquatulate: for the love of CORN DOGS;
"You, in the front... stop that. it's freaking out the old people."

DogStar: When I saw you write "what were you doing on Baton Rouge, LA?" and a URL, I already knew what kind of joke it was and I tore ass over to images.google.com and punched "bag lady" in so fast there was smoke, just so I could have a well-timed rebuttal.

DogStar: Sometimes the desire to smite is a great motivator.

DogStar: Ok. Seriously, for real LOLing at that pic.

DogStar: "You're not supposed to be eating it stick-first, kid"

absquatulate: caption for the second guy in: doesn't taste like dog...

DogStar: Hahahaha

absquatulate: oh GOD hahahahahahahahaa!

DogStar: Stop youre fucking cracking me up here

absquatulate: they're deep fried weiner eaters

DogStar: Second guy, after the contest: "The reason I didn't win was... well... I was doing ok till I got to this one corn dog that just tasted... *wrong*..."

absquatulate: what the........ a PICKLE?

absquatulate: how on earth could anybody conduct a post-contest interivew with these blokes?

DogStar: "I think the chef went just a little too light on the saffron"

DogStar: Oh are you kidding? I'd be ALL OVER that!
"So do you actually get wood while eating these corn dogs, or just later on when you're alone and remembering the experience?"
absquatulate: one belch, and I'd wither.

DogStar: Second guy: "It's not that I don't want to win... I just keep thinking about that guy who broke into my house last night and snuggled me... it's putting me off"

absquatulate: "Nah man. the only wood I get is when I get *air finger quotes*"In the Zone" and eat the stick too."

DogStar: Kris. I'm seriously in love with you. Please never leave me.

DogStar: Just keep those kind of jokes coming and I'll be yours for eternity.

absquatulate: you say such things, but you don't really mean them.

absquatulate: one misstep, one joke gone wrong, and you'll flee back to Vedder's arms.

DogStar: You're right, but... given my shallow personality type, it's too hard NOT to say them.

absquatulate: FOR THE LOVE OF PETE it's like that guy is having a love session with that corndog!

DogStar: Depends... depends how far you intend to go into the Warhammer jokes.

DogStar: Yeah. That photo is a little too personal if you ask me.

absquatulate: I couldn't agree more.

DogStar: Judge: "It's not a contest to see who can SEDUCE the corn dog, son"

absquatulate: "come here my wittle corn dog... oh I love you, I pet you, I BITE YOU!!!"

absquatulate: LOLOL!

DogStar: :)

absquatulate: if a skinny guy is in the contest, do they get a "World Class Nibbler" tshirt?

DogStar: No. They take the skinny guy, put a stick of wood in his butt, deep fry him in corn batter and put him under glass, labeled "Prize For First Place"

absquatulate: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I'm spent!!
WHOO. you wrapped that up nicely. much like a pig in a blanket
*rim shot*
okay okay.